Cheese and Mozart
by Miriamimus
Summary: Ron and Luna are investigating why Dean and Hermione are spending so much time together, Ginny's running a babysitting service, Harry's spent all day in front of the mirror, Seamus is singing and Neville and Parvati are writing a letter... RHr, HG plzR
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: Perfect.

The kitchen was a scene of calm serenity. Ron had cooked, piling pancakes up high and drizzling them in maple syrup on Hermione's plate. She grinned and kissed him when she came downstairs.

"I love you," she said rubbing his nose.

"I love you too," he answered.

It couldn't get more perfect than this. Just the two of them, in their own house, with their own lives. No one else around, no Harry, no Ginny, nothing. Yes, it was perfect. It made Ron Weasley almost enjoy the mornings, he thought, stroking her bushy hair tenderly. She was his, and he was hers and they were going to live happily ever after…

Pop!

"_Good morning_!"

Ah yes. Perfection didn't last.

Harry sat down and pulled a plate of pancakes towards him. "Seriously, Ron," he said, digging in. "You've inherited your mother's cooking skills."

"Oh, and I haven't?" asked Ginny.

"Ginny, you burnt porridge," Harry said, pouring more syrup onto his plate.

"True," Ginny said. "I do wonder where Ron gets this skill."

"In the hope that every morning I can eat it myself. In peace," Ron hinted.

Pop!

"Good morning everybody!" Parvati said with a grin. "Oh, wow, Ron's pancakes! Budge over Harry, let me sit down."

"These are mine!" Harry said defensively.

Hermione rolled her eyes as the two began fighting over the plate.

Pop!

"Told you we should come, look, it's Ron's pancakes!" Dean said happily, letting go of Luna's arm. Luna waved at them all.

"How are you?" she asked happily.

"Well, we were having a really nice morning-"

"Only now it's perfect, right?" Dean said. "Because we're here."

Pop!

"You know there's not going to be any left at this rate," Ron muttered.

"Then make some more!" Lavender said, having Apparated. "Don't worry though, I don't much like your pancakes, I'm not here for them."

"Then what are you here for?"

Pop!

"Thanks for leaving without me," Seamus said. "Oh, pancakes. There won't be enough here, Ron, you'll need to make some more."

Ron sighed. "There was enough for two!" he said loudly.

The room stopped buzzing.

"Yeah, but you clearly knew the rest of us were coming," Harry said and kicked him. "Go, Ron, go!"

"I sometimes wonder if we abuse our brother," Ginny asked him with a frown.

"We've really got to get new Apparation protections," Hermione whispered in Ron's ear, standing up to help him.

"What are you looking for, Lavender?" Harry asked, as Lavender stuck her head in the fridge.

"I had this weird craving for cheese this morning," she said, sounding as vague as Luna. "And you two have a really good selection."

"Right," Dean said slowly.

Pop!

"Neville, you're almost late!" Parvati said. "Anyway, about our appointment…"

"You make appointments?" Harry asked incredulously.

Parvati rolled her eyes. "What time can you make it?"

"Twelve forty five?" Neville asked.

"Suits me," Parvati said. "Hurry up with those, Ron!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Ron said, sounding harassed.

"I've got to be in the Prophet by nine," Parvati said with a sigh, pouring herself some orange juice.

"Do I want cheddar or mozzarella?" Lavender asked.

"Cheddar," Luna said, taking the brick of mozzarella off her and biting into it.

"Since when are we the people with cheese?" Hermione asked Ron. He shrugged and flipped a pancake onto Parvati's plate.

"That's seriously impressive," Dean said. "Hermione!" he said suddenly. "When are we going to, um… go to that Muggle born meeting thing?"

"What Muggle-born meeting?" asked Seamus. "I've never heard of them."

"Because they're only for Muggle-borns," Dean said quickly.

Ron frowned. "You've been going to loads of those together," he said, nodding to Hermione and Dean.

Hermione blushed. "Well, I wasn't going to go alone, was I?"

Ron glanced from one to the other.

Were things so perfect after all?

Parvati swallowed the last bite. "Okay, I have to go. So Neville, I'll see you, you know…"

Neville nodded. "See you there," he said, and Parvati Disapparated.

"What are you two doing together?" Ginny asked.

"Nothing," Neville said quickly, taking a too-big bite of the pancake Ron had just given him.

Ron frowned again. That was weird. But he was still too worried about Hermione, who had just agreed to meet Dean at half past eleven for Merlin-knew-what.

Over his dead body!

Lavender finished the last of the cheddar. "That was so good," she said. "Anyway, I have to meet a Muggle couple today and show them every aspect of the wizarding world. This'll be fun. So I'll see you guys around at your work I guess."

With a pop, she was gone.

Neville was still eating nervously and Luna was picking at the mozzarella.

"How do they make cheese?" she asked, looking around the room.

"Uh, I think it has something to do with milk," Hermione said with a frown.

Ron watched her carefully. Was she really living in sin?

With someone other than him, of course.

Ginny stretched. "I said I'd look after Teddy, seeing I have a day off today," she said, kissing Harry rather loudly. "So I need to go meet Andromeda."

"Flip!" said Seamus really loudly. "I said I'd watch my cousin's daughter. But I'm doing spell research today!"

"That's okay, I can watch her if you'd like," Ginny said with a smile. "Teddy would like some company."

Seamus checked his watch. "Ginny, you're a star. Anyway, I'll have to go talk to me cousin then. I'll see you."

Pop!

"Oh, Harry," Luna said. "The Quibbler wants to do some photos to go with that piece we did, so you'll need to look nice for them."

"Look nice? No problem," Harry said.

"You need to wash your hair," Ginny said bluntly. "It's kind of greasy."

"Thanks, Ginny, I love you too."

"Me neither," she said.

Pop!

Neville finished his food. "I'm going to go."

"Why are you meeting Parvati?" Harry asked curiously.

"No reason. No reason at all. Did I say I was meeting Parvati? Because I'm not. I'm meeting, um… Cedric Diggory!"

"Cedric died like, four years ago," Hermione said. "Pity. I liked him."

Oh, so she liked Cedric, did she? But Ron wasn't good enough? Was that how she wanted to play?

"I have to get to Gringotts," Dean said. "So I'll see you later for that thing, Hermione?"

She nodded.

Pop!

Luna smiled and shook out her long blonde hair. "I think I'll go help Daddy. If anybody needs me," she shrugged. "I'll be there."

Pop!

Why wasn't Luna worried about Dean? Did she not see it? Ron thought angrily.

Harry was running his fingers through his hair. "Is it really greasy?"

"Yeah, a bit," Ron said.

Pop! He was gone.

Ron turned to Hermione. "Hermione…"

"Actually Ron, I've got an interview with a house-elf really soon, I've got to go now," she said. She kissed him. "I love you," she said and Disapparated.

Yeah, right.

Ron played with the last remaining pancake.

Things were just _perfect._


	2. Elfish Welfare, Tweezers and Therapy

AN: Special dedications go to PandoraOfIthilien for giving me a good idea, and Precious Ink for being my update buddy (and to cheer her up since Google owns her soul :D). This might not be updated in a while, that doesn't mean I've stopped updating. Enjoy! Xx

* * *

**Chapter Two: Elfish Welfare, Tweezers and Therapy for Printing Presses.**

"Thank you so much for doing this," Andromeda said gratefully, handing Teddy to Ginny. "It'll be such a help."

"Hey, no worries," Ginny replied. "I love children."

Andromeda smiled. "Oh, I almost forgot," she said. "Teddy likes to be fed at precisely one o'clock."

"No worries," Ginny repeated.

"And then he likes to have a nap with his blue blanket."

"No worries."

"Oh, and make sure you give him a bit of ketchup."

"No worries."

"Not too much, mind, just a spot on the side of his plate. Oh, and don't set him down on the floor. Or the couch. He only likes armchairs."

"No worries," Ginny said, her smile beginning to fade.

"And he likes to go for a walk at 3:47, so make sure you're not late, or early."

"No… worries?"

"And his favourite lullaby is the Weird Sisters' 'Charmed Life.'"

"…No… w-"

"But only sing in in B minor, he doesn't like any other key."

"…N-n."

"And that's about it!" Andromeda said cheerfully. "Thanks, Ginny, I know you'll do great."

Ginny looked down at the little boy with a streak of orange hair brighter than her own.

"No worries?" she asked him.

"Worry!" he repeated and laughed to himself.

* * *

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Jones, I'm Lavender," Lavender said, shaking hands with the couple. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

They smiled. "We'd like to thank you for arranging to meet with us," Mr. Jones said.

"That's no trouble, all part of the job description," Lavender said with a wink. The Jones's young son had been contaminated by a werewolf and while he was settling down fine, his parents were slightly less at ease. "Although mostly we'll just be looking in on my friends' lives, if that's alright. Their jobs and histories cover… well, almost everything."

She sniffed. "Sorry, but do you have… cheese, in your bag?"

"That's my lunch," said Mrs. Jones.

"Oh, I have this really weird craving for cheese," Lavender said.

"Don't worry, I got such strange cravings when I was pregnant."

Lavender did a double-take.

"Sorry, what did you just say?" she asked.

* * *

"Am I understanding you? You don't think you're getting enough work?"

"No," said Dopey, shaking her head. "Dopey thinks master is too soft on her."

"But Dopey, if you're doing all the work in the house, you can't ask for more work unless it was something like chewing his food for him."

Dopey's huge eyes became huger. "Miss thinks Dopey could do that too?"

Hermione sighed. Working with house elves was far more difficult than they thought. None of them grasped the concepts of wages or freedom. Except for Dobby. She really missed him.

"Okay, Dopey," she said with another sigh. "I'll talk to him for you."

"Thanking you kindly, miss. Nobody has ever been so kind to Dopey, miss," Dopey said, bowing.

Hermione checked her watch. She was taking off early to go with Dean…

Pop!

"Hi, Hermione," Lavender said really breathlessly. "This is Mr. and Mrs. Jones."

"What is _that_?" Mrs. Jones said, pointing at Dopey.

"Oh, that's a house elf, does all the house work, they're really useful, wish I could afford one."

"Perhaps Dopey could come to work for miss as well as master," Dopey said brightly.

"No, Dopey, that'll be fine," said Hermione. "Or maybe Lavender could pay you."

"Oh, no, miss, Dopey wouldn't like that," Dopy said, shaking her oversized head.

"Anyway, Hermione, have I put on weight?" Lavender said, turning to show her profile.

"Yes, some," Hermione said bluntly.

"Ah!" cried Lavender.

"I assumed you were going to tell us when you were ready," Hermione said.

"Tell you what?"

"That you were expecting."

"_WHAT_?"

* * *

Dean watched the clock in Gringotts that seemed to tick slower than any clock he had ever seen before. Tick, and then a pause. Tock, and then a pause. He considered speeding it up and realised he didn't know the spell. He'd have to ask Seamus, who had recently left the werewolf office so someone more efficient could take over to work in spell research.

"Hi, Dean," Bill Weasley said happily, walking past.

"Hey," Dean replied. "You should have come to breakfast at your brother's this morning. It was pancakes."

Bill licked his lips. "Dammit. Fleur can't make pancakes."

"Really?"

"Well, she can, but she says they make her sneeze and grow hair on her feet..." Bill shrugged. "Fleur's odd sometimes. Anyway, what time are you taking off?"

"Uh, eleven. I have, er, something to do," he said nonchalantly.

"Really?" Bill said, surprised. "You and Luna going out?"

"Um, no, it's a ...Muggle born convention?" Dean tried.

"Right," Bill said slowly. "Didn't know those existed."

"Uh, yeah," Dean said slowly. He was a bad liar, but Bill was even worse at picking lies up.

"Well, just wanted to know. I'll see you tomorrow, then," Bill said, walking away.

Dean wiped the sweat off his forehead. _That was Ron's brother,_ he thought. _Ron's brother nearly found out._

* * *

"Right, there's a list of things me cousin Fergus needs you to look after…"

"No problem," Ginny said, putting the new child on her hip.

"Annie's a vegan," Seamus said. "So no milk."

"No problem."

"She also doesn't like the colour green. It frightens her."

"No problem."

"Don't set her down on anything hairy."

"No… problem…"

"Try not to use too many words beginning with 'S.'"

"N-no pr-"

"Oh, and if she gets upset, it's usually best if you make Hippogriff noises," Seamus said, rolling up the parchment. "Thanks, Ginny, you're a legend."

"It's no problem…"

Pop!

"Is it?" she asked Annie.

Annie nodded seriously.

* * *

"Harry?" Ginny rapped on the bathroom door. "Harry, are you alright in there?"

"Yes, Ginny, I'm fine," he replied, rummaging through the cupboard. "Where are your tweezers?"

"I'm just wondering because you have been in there for nearly two hours at this point. They're in the yellow bag sitting on the bath."

Harry unzipped the bag and found the elusive tweezers. "Thanks," he said.

"Are you quite sure you're okay?"

"Yes. I just need to-" he pressed the tweezers to his forehead and yanked. "Yargh!"

"Harry!" Ginny said, surprised. "_Alohamora,_" she tried on the lock, but Harry had make it charm-resistant. "What happened?" she said.

"Nothing," Harry said. "Nothing at all."

Ginny sighed. "Call me if you need anything."

Harry proceeded plucking his eyebrows.

* * *

"You're late, Mr. Finnegan," his boss said, surveying him over the top of her black framed glasses.

"Sorry," he said. "But I'm here now."

"Yes. You're going to be working with Miss Perks today, Mr. Finnegan. We found some incantations from Muggle entertainment that we'd like to try out with a wand."

Seamus nodded. "Sounds… intriguing," he said. It did.

"Yes, rather. Were I you I would bring an umbrella, you know what happened last time."

Seamus turned to leave.

"Just out of curiosity, why are you late?"

"Oh, had to help with a baby."

"Ah, you mean the unborn child," she said. "Yes, I did notice Miss Brown had gained weight when we last saw her."

"_WHAT_?"

* * *

Having the day off of Auror training and George minding the shop were not improving Ron's mental condition. He cleaned the kitchen in a Petunia Dursley-ish fit of anger, scouring all the surfaces three times. He proceeded to sit at the table and play with his wand, watching the clock ticking closer and closer to eleven o'clock.

At last, he decided he would do something.

So he did what all desperately paranoid young men do at a time like this and went to visit Luna.

"Hello Ronald," she said, putting her visor up and she stood up from the press. "Sorry, our press is being temperamental. I'm recommending that it goes to a therapist, but it just won't listen." She sighed. "Talking in inanimate objects can be so difficult sometimes."

"I know, don't you hate it?" Ron said.

"Oh, no, I don't hate it, I just get annoyed with it sometimes," Luna said. "Anyway, what did you want?"

"Er… I was wondering," Ron said, picking his way around the debris of crab shells and heavy books. "You don't have any idea what Dean and Hermione are doing, do you?"

"Oh, no," Luna said. "Although I did wonder. I thought it would be to do with the Gangplank Conspiracy, but I wasn't going to mention it."

"Are you sure it wouldn't be a bit more, er, personal than that?" Ron asked.

"Oh, that they're making hot, passionate, forbidden love without our knowledge? Yes, that crossed my mind too. But the first theory is more likely, wouldn't you reckon?"

Ron asked "What's the Gangplank Conspiracy? Do you agree with it?"

"Oh no. I like Harry the way he is, I don't think he'd look good with only one arm."

Ron did a double-take. "You think they're involved with that?"

"Oh, no," Luna said.

"And you aren't the slightest curious?"

"Yes, I'm very curious in fact, Ronald, why?"

"Well," said Ron. "I mean, if you're that desperate to find out…"

"Oh, I'm not des-"

"I said, if you're that desperate I'll help you. I mean, I trust Hermione completely and I don't think she'd ever do anything to hurt me, but if you don't trust Dean so much I suppose that's your problem, but I'll help you if you like." He said this very, very quickly.

"Oh, alright then," Luna said. "We could make it more interesting…"

"How?"

"Have you ever heard of Sherlock Holmes?"


	3. Everybody's Apparating at Inoppurtune

**Chapter Three: Everybody's Apparating At Inoppurtune Moments...**

"I'm nervous, Dean."

"Don't be. This is right, Hermione, it's okay."

"I just don't like lying to Ron. Are you sure we're doing the right thing?"

"I'm sure. We'll start slow. Really slow. Whenever you're ready."

"Alright. Deep breaths. …Right. I think I am."

"You sure?"

"Yes. No, wait."

"What's this?"

"Mozart. I like to listen to it while I…"

"Well, if it makes you feel better. Let's get to it."

Pop!

"Dean, mate, I- ooh… so _this_ is what you've been doing."

"Seamus! How did you know we were here?"

"I just really needed Dean so I thought of him and Apparated."

"Mate, you're not bi, are you? Because if you were that's kind of stalkerish."

"No, I just need your advice."

"We're kind of in the middle of something here."

"Seamus, you won't tell Ron, will you? Because…"

"Well, I mean, I'm not entirely sure about this but if it's what you want to do, far be it for me to get in the way."

"Seamus, tell me what you want and get out!"

"Okay, okay, who knew this made you so cranky-thought it was meant to be relaxing."

"Seamus!"

"Okay, okay… um… what would you do if your girlfriend was pregnant?"

"Lavender's pregnant?"

"I don't know! I'm asking you!"

"She doesn't _think_ she is, although the alternative is far worse."

"How do you know?"

"She interrupted me this morning to ask. I mean, I assumed, but she-"

"Right, right. What's the alternative?"

"That she's put on weight, and she does _not _want that to be true."

"I guess she has… I don't want to go out with a fat person!"

"Seamus! That's very discriminating."

"Mate, flip off."

"Fine, fine. Got to go do some spell research anyway. I'll, um… leave you to it."

Pop!

"Are you ready?"

--

Parvati was bored. Rita Skeeter had come to the Prophet and naturally, all the journalists were crowding around her. She was their idol. And Parvati's, however, as she had written mean things about Parvati when she was fourteen, she didn't much talk to her anymore.

Her quill sat at the ready, and she took a piece of parchment and began to scribble on it.

Neville would be glad she'd started.

--

The doorbell rang.

"Annie, s-remain away from that!" Ginny said, pushing the little girl away from the oven on her way to answer it.

"I'm coming!" she said and opened the door.

Only to see Ron in a bowler hat and Luna smoking a pipe.

She shut the door again.

And opened it.

They were still there.

"Any particular reason for the attire?" she asked.

"May we come in, Miss Weasley?" Luna asked.

"I've got my hands full."

"Ah, but my deduction skills tell me that your hands are, in fact, empty!"

Ginny sighed. She had known Luna for so long that really, this was bound to happen at some point. Everything was.

Her brother grimaced. "Luna's idea."

"_Why?_" was all she could manage. He shrugged.

"If you don't mind, Miss Weasley, my assistant and I would like to look around."

"Go ahead," Ginny said waving a hand. "Only Harry's locked himself in the bathroom. Oh, and Ron, for Merlin's sake, take off that waistcoat, it'll freak Annie out."

"Why?" Ron asked.

"She doesn't like anything green."

"But… she's Irish."

"I know," Ginny said with a shrug. "Apparently she's had some bad Paddy's Day experiences."

"Right," Ron said slowly. "Why's Harry in the bathroom?"

"Oh, elementary, my dear Weasley!" Luna said. "Can't you hear it?"

"No."

"That, my friend, is the sound of tweezers. Clearly he is preparing himself for a photo shoot of some kind, and my guess is that it is for the popular magazine, _The Quibbler_."

"Well, that's hardly a guess, seeing as you invited him," Ginny pointed out. "So what are you investigating, Detective Lovegood?"

"The whereabouts of my dear Weasley's lady friend, Miss Granger."

"Tell you what," Ron said. "Luna, you go and look round, and I'll keep this young lady company."

"I want no inappropriateness, mind," Luna said, making her way up the stairs.

"She's my sister…"

Pop!

"Ron, I need to talk to you!"

Lavender was striding down the hall. "Everybody says I'm pregnant."

Ginny gave Ron a hard stare.

"It's not mine!" he said.

"So I look pregnant?"

"Not pregnant exactly…"

Lavender's brow creased. "What do you mean?"

Ginny began to back away into the living room. "Teddy, don't pull Annie's hair!" she said, separating the two.

"I mean, maybe you've just put on weight."

Ginny could hear the crack from the next room.

--

"What happened to your face, my dear Weasley?" Luna asked coming down the stairs ten minutes later.

"I called Lavender fat."

"That would most certainly explain it."

--

"Ginny?"

"Fleur? Hi," Ginny said, flustered as she impersonated a Hippogriff.

"Ginny, I am very sorry, but _ma maman _desires me to 'elp 'er choose a dress for ze charity ball and so, I cannot look after Victoire! Do you zeenk…?"

With a sigh, Ginny replied "Sure, Fleur. What do I need to know?"

Fleur frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You know, for looking after Victoire?"

"Nuzzing. Except keep her away from zat Teddy boy, but he is at Andromeda's. Oh, I must go!"

Pop! The baby was left in a Moses basket on the doorstep. Ginny picked her up and Teddy waddled into the hall.

The babies gave one look at each other and began to cry.

--

"Harry, are you okay? Shut up, Teddy!"

"I'm fine Ginny."

"Only you've been in there far longer than is healthy. You can't have any eyebrow left!"

"I'm not plucking my eyebrows anymore, done with them?"

"Then what are you doing?"

"I- YARGH!"

"Harry!" Ginny screamed.

He rubbed his hand up the hairless spot on his leg. Now he was in trouble, because there was no way he was putting any more wax on.

--


	4. Everyone's Living In Sin!

AN: Sorry, it's been a while. Anywho... dedicated to all my lovelies who review, you're stars :).

**Chapter Four: Everyone's Living In Sin!**

"Sorry," Lavender said, rubbing her hands and returning to Mr. and Mrs. Jones. "I had some business to take care of. Ex-boyfriends and all, you know."

They looked a little frightened. She smiled sweetly. "Nobody calls Lavender Brown fat and gets away with it." Then she looked at her watch. "We're behind schedule, sorry."

"Where next?"

"Well…" she said. "My boyfriend slash semi business partner also works in spell research, we could go check on him…"

The two looked at each other and shrugged. "Sure."

"Only the crèche closes at one, so we'll have to pick Timmy up," Mrs. Jones said.

"Oh, well, I'm sure Ginny could look after him."

---

"You know, Weasley, the bruise is very unprofessional," said Luna.

"Yeah, yeah, Luna, I get that," Ron said.

"It was rather tactless, I must say," she replied, chewing on the end of her pipe.

"Okay, Luna, you're beginning to sound like Hermione."

"Ah yes, the young woman in question. The question is, where to next?"

"Seamus might know where Dean is," Ron said.

"Indeed, indeed. Or perhaps we could look at Mr. Thomas' place of work."

Ron sighed. Never take the easy way. "Whatever."

"Come along, dear Weasley, time is, after all, money."

---

Alicia was dressing the Weasley's Wizard Wheezes window when she saw a very strange sight. Ron, walking down the street, was wearing a bowler hat and quite a snazzy suit -for a Weasley at any rate. And he was accompanied by a most strangely dressed (even for her) Luna Lovegood.

"Uh…" she said. "George?"

"Ye-huh?" George said from the counter where he was serving someone.

"Any particular reason your brother's dressed like Watson out or Sherlock Holmes?"

Some of the people in the shop turned to try and catch a glimpse of the famous Ron, now disappearing into Gringotts.

"Hermione's done it, she's finally driven him mad. Told him that would be the outcome," George said sadly. "I'm afraid there's nothing we can do."

"But…" Alicia said, still looking out onto the street. "He's with Luna."

George gasped. "Living in sin, I'll bet!"

"George… we're living in sin. Technically," Alicia said with a shrug. A very proper witch hurried out of the shop with her hands clamped over her ears.

"Living in even sinnier sin!"

"Is sinnier a word?" she asked.

"Who know?" George said seriously. "Who knows…"

"Oh dear," said Alicia, pointing to where the very proper witch had just hurried out of. "She's left her child behind."

They stared at the child.

"To Ginny's?"

"To Ginny's!"

--

"Neville! Finally!"

Neville looked uncomfortably at his surroundings. "Uh… Parvati? Do we have to meet here?"

She shrugged. "Don't you like it?"

"It's just a bit…" he gestured. "Frilly. And pink. And… frilly."

Parvati, for one, adored Madam Puddifoot's. "I figured we needed the right environment," she said.

"This is the right environment?"

"It's very romantic, is it not?"

"Yeah, I suppose," he said, looking around. "What if someone sees us here?"

"Oh, come on, Neville, nobody ever comes here…"

Neville nodded.

"Right so," Parvati said. "So I jotted down a few ideas…" she took out the parchment. Neville drew his chair a little closer and began to pore over it.

"Dearest Hannah…" he began to read.

--

"Dean, do you think we could stop for a bit? Only, seeing as we're close to Hogsmeade?"

"Sure," he said. "Getting a bit peckish myself."

They opened the doors, stood up and Disapparated straight to Hogsmeade square.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"Madam Puddifoot's?" she said jokingly.

"Uh, no, Hermione. But Seamus and I always used to go and laugh at the couples in there."

"Didn't he and Lavender go there every Hogsmeade weekend?"

"In which case I went by myself and laughed. It's always fun. Do you want a go?"

"Oh, Dean, I'm not sure," but he wasn't hearing of it. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her along.

"It _is_ fun," he said. "I mean, there's always someone you know in there and they're always really embarrassed and- is that… Parvati?"

Hermione peered through the steamy window and gasped. "It's… Neville!" She turned around and leant against the glass. "They're living in sin."

"Uh… so are you," Dean said.

A very proper witch who had just left Weasley's Wizard Wheezes hurried past very fast..

"Should we go and ask them?" Hermione asked.

"I bet it's nothing serious," Dean said, but there was a wicked glint in his eyes. "Let's do it."

--

Bill looked at his younger brother carefully. Oh. Dear.

"Uh… can I help you guys?" he said with a frown. Then, remembering "Hey, Ron, why didn't you tell me there were pancakes this morning?"

Ron frowned. "Okay, I don't know where everybody's getting this impression I make good pancakes from but I assure you-"

"You do make excellent pancakes, indeed, my dear Weasley." Luna winked at Bill. "I myself have experienced them." She began to walk around the two of them slowly. "Possibly part of the reason Miss Granger chose to live in sin with you?"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it living in-"

"So why, William," she said, addressing Bill. Ron smirked at the name. "Would Miss Granger be slipping off with one of your co-workers?"

Bill raised a red eyebrow. "Not… quite following you."

"Is it not true, then, William, that at eleven o'clock Mr. Thomas left in a hurry?"

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say he was hurrying but yes, he did," Bill said, adjusting to Luna's weirdness after having her live with them for a month.

"And where did Mr. Thomas say he was going?"

"To a Muggle-born convention," Bill said. "Now, I didn't know those existed, but I suppose after the war and all…"

"You see, neither did I," Luna said. "And it so happens that I am living in sin with the Mr. Thomas in question," she said loudly, waving her pipe at Bill and blowing smoke in his face.

The very proper witch who had come back to Diagon Alley to look for her missing child left the bank with a howl. Luna paid no heed.

"And Mr. Thomas has never attended a Muggle-born convention before."

"Actually they say they've been going for a few wee-"

"Don't interrupt my dear Weasley. So, William."

"Yes?"

"Why today of all days, does Mr. Thomas choose to go?"

"Well, my brother says he's been going to more than one so-"

"Don't pay attention to Weasley, Weasley," Luna snapped. "So you have no clues for us?"

"Afraid not…" Bill said. "No, wait!"

"Yes?"

"I did find this lying on Dean's desk."

He leant over and picked up what looked like a bit of shiny, floppy paper and handed it to Luna.

"This must be a love note, or a sign," she said. "You see…" she turned it to resemble a diamond. "That is a badly drawn heart. Presumably from Miss Granger, if they are living in sin."

"Oh, I hardly think-" Bill began.

Pop!

--

"Harry? Harry? It's one o'clock, you know… you've been in there all morning, maybe it's time you came out-"

Ding Dong!

With Teddy in one arm and Annie in the other Ginny hurried to the door. Lavender and George both stood there with a child in tow.

"Surprise!" they said in unison.

"Please tell me you have a cheeseboard behind your back you plan on presenting me with," Ginny said. "And that you're not just here to dump children on me."

"I'm afraid that the second option is correct," George said, leaving the very proper woman's son on the doorstep. Lavender left Timmy there as well.

"Good luck," they said in unison and walked away.

Ginny wondered if they had rehearsed it.

She brought the two of them in.

"What's your name?" she asked the quiet little boy, who sensed he was in a house that belonged to people who were living in sin and began to cry.

She ran up the stairs and banged on the bathroom door.

"Harry! Harry! I need help!"

Harry ignored her.

"What happened to your whole saving people thing?" she asked accusingly.

"I've already saved the world, I can take some time out now," Harry said with a sigh.

"Harry… Harry, are you using my Herbal Essences?" she asked, sniffing the air.

Inside, Harry shut her bottle of aromatic rose petal bubble bath very quickly. "No. What makes you think that?"

"Well, because there's a distinct smell of coconut and Hawaiian hibiscus."

Harry snorted. "No. I'm a man. Why would I use Herbal Essences? You have a terrible nose."

"Right, right, sorry. It's just that Seamus uses it."

"Really? Would you say Seamus has good hair?"

"Are you kidding? He has the best hair I've ever seen! Plus, he has to smell nice, drawback of living with a werewolf."

"Interesting. And only mildly disturbing," Harry said, standing up in the bath and searching through the shampoo shelves.


	5. The Miriamimus Own Brand Brand Name

Sorry, I've been doing stuff! You know, working, sleeping, eating, plotting to overthrow Google, the usual. I hope everyone's had a nice holiday -whatever it is you may celebrate!

* * *

**Chapter Four: The Miriamimus Own Brand Brand Name Filled Chapter...**

"Hi Neville, Parvati!" Hermione said cheerfully, pulling up a chair, at which point Parvati very quickly hid a piece of parchment under her robes, nearly upsetting a bottle of ink in the process.

"Just writing then?" Dean said casually.

"Uh, yeah, catching up on some work," she said, screwing the lid on the Size Four bottle of Purple Delight No. 675 Flourish and Blott's Own Non-Staining Quill Ink.

"Interesting," said Hermione.

"Funny place to work," said Dean. "What are you writing?"

"I'm um…" Parvati was flustered. "I'm interviewing Neville!" she finished.

"Dude…" said Dean. "Didn't you guys run a two page spread on him last week? No offence, Neville."

Neville shrugged. "People don't love me. I get it."

The room stopped and was filled with female cries of "We _do _love you, Neville!"

Neville smiled. Dean grimaced. "Nobody loves me," he said quietly.

"Except for Luna," Parvati pointed out. "And Miriamimus."

"Who _is _she anyway? I swear she's following me."

[At this point the author slipped out of the café so as not to be noticed.]

_Five minutes later:_

"But wait, you guys still haven't said why you're here," Parvati asked, sipping her Original Puddifoot Tea Made With Real Tealeaves with milk and two sugars.

"Uh…" said Dean. "That… thing…"

"Yeah," said Hermione, agreeing with enthusiasm. "That."

"Oh yeah, the Muggle-born thing," said Neville. "Where is it?"

Dean gulped. "Town hall?" he tried.

"Cool," the other two mumbled, then Parvati frowned.

"I thought there was a wedding in there today-"

Hermione interrupted her. "Yeah, the reception moved to the Three Broomsticks so now it's free."

"See, told you we shouldn't have gone there," Parvati said pointedly to Neville.

Dean and Hermione exchanged glances and Dean pretended to look at his watch and seem surprised. "Actually, we better go or we'll be late!" he said, grabbing Hermione and dragging her with him.

"See you later," Parvati said, then took out the parchment again. "Okay, so we've got: Dearest Hannah, Your eyes… what colour are her eyes?"

Neville scrunched his eyes up in thought. "Kind of a green-y brown-y blue-y grey-y yellowy black-y reddish purple orange."

Parvati sighed. "Your eyes are a colour that is not in my vocabulary," she wrote. "Well, that's romantic."

* * *

Sally-Anne Perks was, as her name suggested, perky.

Seamus stared at her as she adjusted the Monsoon Accessorize Flirty Hot Cerise Tie Up Alice Band settled on her head, pulled up her H&M Over-The-Knee Line Socks (in Pink), and rearranged her Abercrombie and Fitch Button-Down Shirt Striped (Pretty Pink) beneath her witch's cardigan (Madam Malkin's Hand-knitted Collection Item 567 in Pale Pink).

"Right," she said rubbing her hands together. "Let's get started, shall we? Oh, Shamie, this is going to be so much fun! I just know we're going to have a good time!"

She put the spell-book in front of her and gave a happy shrug. "Shall I go first then?"

Seamus groaned. Sally-Anne took that as a yes.

* * *

"So you don't want to tell me your name? No? How about how George found you? Do you know where your Mummy is?"

The little boy refused to speak, his thumb firmly stuck in his mouth.

"Are you afraid of me?"

He nodded.

"Why are you afraid of me? I'm Ginny, I'm friendly and happy and I won't hurt you and - TEDDY GET THAT SLUG AWAY FROM VICTOIRE OR I'LL HEX YOU!"

The nameless little boy clutched a little tighter onto his Mothercare Made With Love Blue Blankie Blanket. Ginny turned around.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not really going to injure him, that's just a threat," she said reaching to try and comfort the now trembling toddler. He shied away, removed his thumb and began to cry.

Meanwhile Timmy was sitting in the corner picking his nose, Annie was cowering in front of the sofa which was green and Teddy and Victoire had sparks flying.

_Breathe, Ginny. Breathe in, breathe out._

One thing was certain, she was never having children of her own.

* * *

"Yes! Yes, yes, ooh yes!" Harry shouted enthusiastically, massaging the Herbal Essences Coconut and Hawaiian Hibiscus Volumizing and Nourishing Shampoo into his scalp.

There was yet another rapping on the door. "Harry, what are you doing?"

"Washing my hair," he replied.

Ginny didn't seem convinced. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'll be out in a while."

"Okay. Only, you've been in the bathroom all morning."

"Just making sure I look okay," Harry said, stepping out of the shower and wrapping his head in a towel turban. "The mirror's all steamy," he said, wiping it with his hand.

"Come out soon, okay?" Ginny said, sounding a little worried, before a clatter and a bang sounded from downstairs.

"Timmy, get away from the saucepans!" Ginny shouted, hurrying down the staircase.

Harry wiped his glasses- also steamed up- and put them on to look at his reflection. He sighed. His skin was rough.

He opened the cabinet that the mirror was mounted on and looked inside, finally choosing Ginny's Madam Winkle's Soft As Butter Skincare Rejuvenating Scrub and Madam Winkle's Smooth As A Baby's Bottom Revitalizing Moisturiser. The exfoliating cream and toner could wait until after.

* * *

Lavender and the Joneses were walking down the Alley towards the Spell Research portal (the actual research took place somewhere in Devon, and the portal was a form of public transport that guinea pigs who didn't have there licences could use) when Lavender noticed Gringotts.

"Actually, maybe we should pop in here. This is the main wizarding bank in Britain, almost ninety-five percent of the entire magical community have stored money here at some point. If you'd like to come in, I'm sure that my friend Dean would be happy to give us a tour..." She turned around and leant over to them. "Just don't be shocked by the goblins," she warned. "They're fine really."

Mrs. Jones stared wide-eyed. "Goblins?" she asked.

"Oh they're alright, really," Lavender said. "Just don't look them in the eye and don't talk about Harry Potter. Or dragons. They're quite sensitive about that whole shebang."

They climbed up the steps, to where a goblin scanned over Lavender's Witchy Ju-Ju Mwah! Patent Purple Big Clutch handbag before letting them in.

Lavender bumped deliberately into Ron as he and Luna hurried past, Luna holding a square of white plastic like a map. Ron rubbed his shoulder.

"Are you trying to kill me?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied. "You said I was fat."

"I didn't say you were-"

"Come along, Weasley!" Luna said, rolling her eyes at Mr. Jones. "Honestly, you can't take him anywhere." She stuck her pipe in her mouth and said, "Seems to me, this mayn't have been a message at all, but a map..." she wandered off, muttering. Ron followed.

"Why was she carrying a-"

"I don't know, Luna's weird," Lavender said, waving a hand. "Like, this one time," she bent over to whisper conspiratorially, "She told me that lions were cats. Please, like a cat's the king of the jungle!" She snorted.

Neither of the Jones's spoke. "Stupid cats," she muttered, and went further into the foyer of Gringotts, where Bill Weasley smiled and waved at her.

"Bill!" She ran over and gave him a hug, whereupon they proceeded to do their secret handshake, forward slap, backwards slap, up bump down bump inwards bump, spit on their palms and clasp while howling at the ceiling.

The Joneses stared on.

"This is my main man, Bill," Lavender said.

They nodded slowly.

"So hey," he said. "I heard your happy news."

Lavender slowly began to turn red.

"What news, exactly?"

Bill was never an idiot. "That you're ... not... pregnant?" he tried.

She relaxed. "Good boy," she said, and patted him on the head.

* * *

"Now... this still gives no clue as to where the young couple may be." Luna said, sipping her glass of The Leaky Cauldron's Finest Oak Matured Mead (1997)

"Luna, they're not a couple! They're with us!"

Luna looked at him and nodded sagely. "That's what they want you to think."

She stared at the floppy bit of what Ron was now sure was thin plastic in her hands.

"You know, maybe it's actually for you," he said, turning the diamond so it was a square. "I mean, at that angle, it sort of looks like a big 'L.' Like, L for Luna?"

Luna frowned. "Or 'L' for love, indeed!" she said. "My dear Weasley, I think we're onto something!"

She grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the pub. "I don't," he muttered.


End file.
